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counting my blessings
July 2007 
State of the unity
Posted on May 10th, 2007
by 
Eric
Eric
I thank God for my life. Too often in the past 30 years I have been mired in personal worries, confined in the pictures of me that others have in their hearts, too afraid to live unabashedly the person who is in me. I have been petty. I have obsessed over tiny things. I have closed myself off from others. I have given into anger, lust, laziness, self-righteousness.
But honestly - I haven't really lived in those places in a long time. Since I started my medical school path I have consistently worked to root out the darkest parts of my psyche - leaving them exposed to the light where they can dry out and become dust. I keep a little of the dust from each of these in a psychic bottle. It helps me to remember, and to see the sicknesses I have suffered in others. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Far from it. But I don't feel angry anymore. Not ever. I do feel motivated. I feel compelled to change things. I feel empowered to stand up for myself. But not angry. Physiological anger, maybe. :) I do sometimes still feel lazy, but that's coming less and less often. More often distracted - I think. Probably just an insidious form of laziness. Lust is mostly a thing of the past, and I'm happy about that. I do feel quite healthy feelings toward my partner - but not much beyond that. It's more than enough.
So, I'm happy. But I don't feel at the end of anything. It's like the feeling when you're finally packed and ready to take off on some huge roadtrip. It's an ecstatic feeling, to know you're finally packed and not TOO worried that you're leaving anything behind. And then just the road ahead - and that comes with a mix of trepidation and elation. It's a long long road and I'm going to run out of gas, I'm going to skid off the shoulder sometimes, I'm going to meet ghostly hitchhikers and irate police and lock my keys in the trunk when I'm 20 miles from the nearest town. Sometimes I'm gong to question the wisdom of ever leaving home.
But mostly I'm just going to keep moving forward with a smile on my face, my favorite song in my mind and nothing but excitement for what's to come.
May you be blessed with whatever passes for this in your life. Because despite it's mixed blessings - it's a wonderful thing.
Ah. Men.
e
But honestly - I haven't really lived in those places in a long time. Since I started my medical school path I have consistently worked to root out the darkest parts of my psyche - leaving them exposed to the light where they can dry out and become dust. I keep a little of the dust from each of these in a psychic bottle. It helps me to remember, and to see the sicknesses I have suffered in others. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Far from it. But I don't feel angry anymore. Not ever. I do feel motivated. I feel compelled to change things. I feel empowered to stand up for myself. But not angry. Physiological anger, maybe. :) I do sometimes still feel lazy, but that's coming less and less often. More often distracted - I think. Probably just an insidious form of laziness. Lust is mostly a thing of the past, and I'm happy about that. I do feel quite healthy feelings toward my partner - but not much beyond that. It's more than enough.
So, I'm happy. But I don't feel at the end of anything. It's like the feeling when you're finally packed and ready to take off on some huge roadtrip. It's an ecstatic feeling, to know you're finally packed and not TOO worried that you're leaving anything behind. And then just the road ahead - and that comes with a mix of trepidation and elation. It's a long long road and I'm going to run out of gas, I'm going to skid off the shoulder sometimes, I'm going to meet ghostly hitchhikers and irate police and lock my keys in the trunk when I'm 20 miles from the nearest town. Sometimes I'm gong to question the wisdom of ever leaving home.
But mostly I'm just going to keep moving forward with a smile on my face, my favorite song in my mind and nothing but excitement for what's to come.
May you be blessed with whatever passes for this in your life. Because despite it's mixed blessings - it's a wonderful thing.
Ah. Men.
e
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